I'm away on Hols so have a good one folks and see you soon.
Friday, 20 August 2010
Thursday, 12 August 2010
Mo the farmer
Some of you may have noticed that the legend that is "Mo Mad dog Stoneskin" left a comment on my last post. Mo has been missing in action for the last couple of months because of his new job. I must admit I applaud him and his Wife for leaving the rat race along with a six figure salary behind and moving "Oop North" to become a farmer. I do however fear for their well being after every conversation I have with him. Take this one:
I get an e-mail from Mo the gist of which is;
Hi Rubbish, I've got two horses and I can never remember which one is which. Any ideas how I can tell them apart?
I suggest he cuts the tail off one and this works great until the other one got his tail caught in a bush. I then suggest he notches the ear of one of the horses and this works until the other horse caught his ear on some barbed wire. Finally I tell him to measure them and he rings me back all excited to let me know that the black horse is two inches bigger than the white one.
I popped up to see him the other day and his Wife told me he was in the barn. I walk in and there he is doing a sexy striptease in front of this big red piece of machinery.
"Fucking hell Mo, what are you doing"? I enquired.
"Oh hi Rubbish. Me and the Missus haven't been getting on too well so I went to see one of those therapists that told me to do something sexy to a tractor"!
I could go on but I wont.
Good to see you back Mo, hopefully there'll be a post or two from you soon.
I get an e-mail from Mo the gist of which is;
Hi Rubbish, I've got two horses and I can never remember which one is which. Any ideas how I can tell them apart?
I suggest he cuts the tail off one and this works great until the other one got his tail caught in a bush. I then suggest he notches the ear of one of the horses and this works until the other horse caught his ear on some barbed wire. Finally I tell him to measure them and he rings me back all excited to let me know that the black horse is two inches bigger than the white one.
I popped up to see him the other day and his Wife told me he was in the barn. I walk in and there he is doing a sexy striptease in front of this big red piece of machinery.
"Fucking hell Mo, what are you doing"? I enquired.
"Oh hi Rubbish. Me and the Missus haven't been getting on too well so I went to see one of those therapists that told me to do something sexy to a tractor"!
I could go on but I wont.
Good to see you back Mo, hopefully there'll be a post or two from you soon.
Friday, 6 August 2010
Same old same old
I've written a few posts but haven't published them because I couldn't get my sample spreadsheets to line up properly. Basically, I'm starting a gambling campaign this season with a £1k starting bank which I'm hoping to turn into a sizeable amount by this time next year. If anyone can tell me how to post spreadsheets then leave a comment.
In other news I've been off work for a few days with my Daughter. We've spent two of them on Mario Kart where I absolutely stuffed her. I've taken all her pocket money teaching her PLO and now she's sulking and playing Super Mario on her own. Loser.
I've just joined Boyles Poker mainly because there's a few RTR guys going to the Dublin Poker Open in October. Played 2 MTT's coming 13th in one for peanuts. Was a bit gutting because I was chip leader and hadn't had one decent hand all the way through. Lost one big pot when my AJ spades on a A 10S 2S couldn't get home against A2. A King on the turn gave me outs with any K,Q,J,10 and a spade. FML.
I hope Aaron Ramsay makes a full recovery from his broken leg so that Cesc Fabregas can fuck off back to Spain. Rambo, even at 17, is better than Fabregas now and will be the best midfielder Arsenal have had since Liam Brady. You heard it here first.
We're off to Madeira in a couple of weeks. Don't know much about the place other than praying to God that your pilot has balls of steel.
Anyone been there? Does the landing look as bad as the photo? Is there anything to do there?
Got massive tooth ache at the moment and just realised that I haven't been to a dentist for 30 years!
On series 5 of the Sopranos which I kind of remember watching. Have series 6 to finish with which I definitely haven't watched. After that I'm all out of box sets to watch. Anyone got anything they can recommend?
Later.
In other news I've been off work for a few days with my Daughter. We've spent two of them on Mario Kart where I absolutely stuffed her. I've taken all her pocket money teaching her PLO and now she's sulking and playing Super Mario on her own. Loser.
I've just joined Boyles Poker mainly because there's a few RTR guys going to the Dublin Poker Open in October. Played 2 MTT's coming 13th in one for peanuts. Was a bit gutting because I was chip leader and hadn't had one decent hand all the way through. Lost one big pot when my AJ spades on a A 10S 2S couldn't get home against A2. A King on the turn gave me outs with any K,Q,J,10 and a spade. FML.
I hope Aaron Ramsay makes a full recovery from his broken leg so that Cesc Fabregas can fuck off back to Spain. Rambo, even at 17, is better than Fabregas now and will be the best midfielder Arsenal have had since Liam Brady. You heard it here first.
We're off to Madeira in a couple of weeks. Don't know much about the place other than praying to God that your pilot has balls of steel.
Anyone been there? Does the landing look as bad as the photo? Is there anything to do there?
Got massive tooth ache at the moment and just realised that I haven't been to a dentist for 30 years!
On series 5 of the Sopranos which I kind of remember watching. Have series 6 to finish with which I definitely haven't watched. After that I'm all out of box sets to watch. Anyone got anything they can recommend?
Later.
Saturday, 3 July 2010
The Big G
My mate Big G got married recently after going out with his Missus for sixteen years. Why? Fuck knows.
For his stag weekend we went here. Before you click on the link though carry on reading and see if you can guess what we did.
To be honest I didn’t want to do it. If I wanted to be scared shitless I would have looked at Mrs Rubbish naked. But it was G’s day so I went along like a brave little soldier. Twenty of us turned up with about eighteen of us wanting to go straight to a bar. G’s Brother didn’t help after telling everyone that the last time he had been here two people had been rushed to Hospital, one with a broken leg and the other with a fractured skull.
We split into four groups of five and our instructor made a great job of making matters worse. I was with G, Dave, G’s brother and his mate who was an enforcer for some drug baron in North Wales. The first thing our instructor says is “be prepared for all your worst fears to come true. I’m not going to lie to you, you’re all going in and it’s going to get messy. You need to listen to what I’m going to tell you because it may save you or your mate’s lives”.
He then gave us our instructions for the next two hours. When he barked them out we needed to follow them to the word or face the worst. To make matters worse we weren’t alone. The British Olympic hopefuls were there and everything was ramped up fully for their benefit.
The next two hours flew by. It was one of the best mornings I’ve ever had. We all went in several times but luckily no one got hurt. The Olympic crew were awesome to watch. At one point our instructor rammed one of them who was in severe difficulty to flip them over the right way. The course has jets which go from one to sixteen, we were on fourteen. It was frightening but exhilarating. If you ever get a chance then go, it’s a blast.
Did you guess where we went and what we did?
Yeah right.
White water rafting costs £40 for two hours and it’s the best £40 I’ve spent, except that one time in Prague but that’s another story. If you’re ever in Cardiff for a stag weekend or down for the Rugby and have a few hours to kill then I highly recommend giving this a whirl. The Olympians by the way were the canoeing hopefuls and the one that we flipped over by ramming him was under water for about thirty seconds. It’s that tough in places, even for guys who do this at Olympic standard.
The rest of a day was a real blast. A few guys who I haven’t seen for several years turned up and we did a bit of damage around Cardiff Bay. We finally ended up in our local where we drank until it was light and the Landlord cooked us breakfast. Happy days.
In the wedding G’s brother made a speech which was pretty cool and he told everyone about his Mums worst day with them all.
G has two elder brothers, both top blokes. The story revolved around G when he was still in school. He was sixteen at the time but was one of the best Rugby players around and there were maybe five or six boys of his age who all the top teams were looking at. Dave was actually one of the others. Anyway, G’s eldest brother who was a playing first class had just been layed up with a serious knee injury. There was talk that he might not play again and certainly no chance of playing first class or for Wales. Luckily this proved to be complete crap and he played thirty odd times for Wales but at the time it was really serious. G’s middle brother was playing the next tier down and due to a successful TV career, didn’t want to go any further.
The coach of the club he played for had watched G and wanted to get him before the big clubs landed him so he pitched up at G’s house and started sweet talking G’s Mum. She was dead against G playing at such a high standard at his age but his eldest Brother had played under this coach and put a word in. The fact that the middle Brother was also playing for the team swung it and G made his debut, much against his Mum’s better judgement, versus Bridgend.
Bridgend were rammed with International players and G’s opposite number was the open side flanker for Wales at that time. The game was quite nasty and mid way through the first half this guy took G out from behind, breaking his jaw in two places. G’s brother saw what happened and went for the guy. A huge fight broke out and G’s brother got knocked out in the melee.
G’s Mum was sat at home with the eldest Brother when the phone rang. A barely audible and murmuring G spoke first.
“Now don’t worry Mam but I’m at the hospital and my jaws broken”.
“I knew it; I knew I shouldn’t have let you play. You’re far too young to be playing at the level. Never again. I’m coming down there now”.
“No don’t come down Mam, I’m okay and Marks here”.
“Okay put Mark on the phone”.
“I can’t, he’s having a brain scan”.
“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat”.
Kids, who would have them?
Anyhow, Snake, DoV, No Cash, Mr O, any chance you lazy fuckers are going to update your blogs any time soon?
Later.
For his stag weekend we went here. Before you click on the link though carry on reading and see if you can guess what we did.
To be honest I didn’t want to do it. If I wanted to be scared shitless I would have looked at Mrs Rubbish naked. But it was G’s day so I went along like a brave little soldier. Twenty of us turned up with about eighteen of us wanting to go straight to a bar. G’s Brother didn’t help after telling everyone that the last time he had been here two people had been rushed to Hospital, one with a broken leg and the other with a fractured skull.
We split into four groups of five and our instructor made a great job of making matters worse. I was with G, Dave, G’s brother and his mate who was an enforcer for some drug baron in North Wales. The first thing our instructor says is “be prepared for all your worst fears to come true. I’m not going to lie to you, you’re all going in and it’s going to get messy. You need to listen to what I’m going to tell you because it may save you or your mate’s lives”.
He then gave us our instructions for the next two hours. When he barked them out we needed to follow them to the word or face the worst. To make matters worse we weren’t alone. The British Olympic hopefuls were there and everything was ramped up fully for their benefit.
The next two hours flew by. It was one of the best mornings I’ve ever had. We all went in several times but luckily no one got hurt. The Olympic crew were awesome to watch. At one point our instructor rammed one of them who was in severe difficulty to flip them over the right way. The course has jets which go from one to sixteen, we were on fourteen. It was frightening but exhilarating. If you ever get a chance then go, it’s a blast.
Did you guess where we went and what we did?
Yeah right.
White water rafting costs £40 for two hours and it’s the best £40 I’ve spent, except that one time in Prague but that’s another story. If you’re ever in Cardiff for a stag weekend or down for the Rugby and have a few hours to kill then I highly recommend giving this a whirl. The Olympians by the way were the canoeing hopefuls and the one that we flipped over by ramming him was under water for about thirty seconds. It’s that tough in places, even for guys who do this at Olympic standard.
The rest of a day was a real blast. A few guys who I haven’t seen for several years turned up and we did a bit of damage around Cardiff Bay. We finally ended up in our local where we drank until it was light and the Landlord cooked us breakfast. Happy days.
In the wedding G’s brother made a speech which was pretty cool and he told everyone about his Mums worst day with them all.
G has two elder brothers, both top blokes. The story revolved around G when he was still in school. He was sixteen at the time but was one of the best Rugby players around and there were maybe five or six boys of his age who all the top teams were looking at. Dave was actually one of the others. Anyway, G’s eldest brother who was a playing first class had just been layed up with a serious knee injury. There was talk that he might not play again and certainly no chance of playing first class or for Wales. Luckily this proved to be complete crap and he played thirty odd times for Wales but at the time it was really serious. G’s middle brother was playing the next tier down and due to a successful TV career, didn’t want to go any further.
The coach of the club he played for had watched G and wanted to get him before the big clubs landed him so he pitched up at G’s house and started sweet talking G’s Mum. She was dead against G playing at such a high standard at his age but his eldest Brother had played under this coach and put a word in. The fact that the middle Brother was also playing for the team swung it and G made his debut, much against his Mum’s better judgement, versus Bridgend.
Bridgend were rammed with International players and G’s opposite number was the open side flanker for Wales at that time. The game was quite nasty and mid way through the first half this guy took G out from behind, breaking his jaw in two places. G’s brother saw what happened and went for the guy. A huge fight broke out and G’s brother got knocked out in the melee.
G’s Mum was sat at home with the eldest Brother when the phone rang. A barely audible and murmuring G spoke first.
“Now don’t worry Mam but I’m at the hospital and my jaws broken”.
“I knew it; I knew I shouldn’t have let you play. You’re far too young to be playing at the level. Never again. I’m coming down there now”.
“No don’t come down Mam, I’m okay and Marks here”.
“Okay put Mark on the phone”.
“I can’t, he’s having a brain scan”.
“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat”.
Kids, who would have them?
Anyhow, Snake, DoV, No Cash, Mr O, any chance you lazy fuckers are going to update your blogs any time soon?
Later.
Friday, 25 June 2010
More World Cup
I had a close call on Wednesday when my Wife came home early from work and nearly caught me watching the English match. Luckily I managed to get some porn on and whip my cock out in time to save any embarassment.
Other news and the English squad went to an African orphanage this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of those with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Solomon Umboto aged 6.
Not sure about the impossible as Germany haven't looked that great. Neither have England mind so every chance of penalties.
Have a great weekend.
Other news and the English squad went to an African orphanage this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of those with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Solomon Umboto aged 6.
Not sure about the impossible as Germany haven't looked that great. Neither have England mind so every chance of penalties.
Have a great weekend.
Tuesday, 22 June 2010
R.I.P. Football and Cricket
When I first moved to Cardiff my boss at the time introduced me to his best mate from University. After a quick chat it turned out that his brother in law had managed a football team I had played for, he had lived in the next village across from mine and we had gone to the same Grammar School, albeit several years later in my case. We became firm friends.
One day we were having a few beers and this long haired idiot walks over and starts chatting to my mate. It turned out they were cousins and this kid tells him that he had just quit his job with the Council to spend some time touring with his band. My mate advised him against this and I’ll always remember him, bearing in mind he was probably in his early thirties at the time, imploring this kid to “think of your pension”.
I tell you all this now because that kid was Stuart Cable of the Stereophonics who was buried yesterday and remembering the conversation seems almost surreal.
When I was in my late teens there was a pub called the Globe which we used to frequent every bank holiday. The Stereophonics or, as they were called then, the Tragic Love Company, used to play there. Even though they were probably thirteen or fourteen at the time you could tell they had class and would go all the way.
I met Stuart a few times after that and he always used to take the piss out of my mate about the Council and pensions. He was a lovely guy and my condolences go to his family and friends. R.I.P. mate.
Onto other business. I’ve always hated the French and their attitude in the World Cup proves what I’ve always thought about them. Absolute wankers. I couldn’t believe it when they all walked behind the goals in the Mexico match. For some of them it’s their last shot at a World Cup and they behave like spoilt brats. If I’d been Thierry Henry I would have been begging Domenech to let me on the field and try to turn things around. Good riddance to the French wankers. England hasn’t been much better and Rooneys rant to the cameras just about sums up Professional Footballers. Fuck you all, I’m bigger and better than the lot of you and you shouldn’t ever forget it. Wanker should have been born across the channel.
My Daughter entered a sweepstake in School and picked out Chile which I’ve had a tenner on at 80/1. One time please.
Talking of the light of my life, she was picked to play in the School Cricket team in a competition at Sophia Gardens recently. I went down to watch and it was a great day out. She had managed to get into the first team even though she cannot catch a ball and bats as if she’s playing Baseball. They won their first two games quite convincingly and she even managed to take the most wickets in the second match when her underarm lobs enticed a series of batsmen to give her team catching practice. The third game was a disaster.
Under 11 Cricket is played by teams of Eight and each team starts with 200. For every wicket you lose five points comes off this score. Obviously, whatever you score is added on. Every person bowls one over and every person bats for at least one over no matter how many times they are out.
There were four groups of four and the last game was a winner takes all berth into the Semi Finals. These kids turned up, all in whites, and the first thing I noticed was seven of them had County badges on their Jerseys. Watching them bowl it was obvious that they had all been coached by their action and when it came for my Daughter to bat I feared the worst. This kid started launching balls down the wicket like Curtley Ambrose and it took all my will power to not walk on the pitch and give him a slap. In fairness to my Daughter she got her bat on the ball a few times and didn’t get bowled. I was well chuffed. The team scored 203 and the game was all over bar the shouting. The two kids who were batting when my Daughter bowled had a field day although, to be fair, all of them scored runs and they won by about fifty. Unsurprisingly they went on to win the whole Competition. My Daughter enjoyed it which is the main thing; if only she’d pick up the Golf Clubs I bought her, little witch.
Loads of other things I should really be blogging about but I’ll save them for another time.
One last thing, Jessica, should you read this I cannot post comments on your blog and can’t even read it half the time because of some “forbidden 503 error message”. Any ideas?
Later.
One day we were having a few beers and this long haired idiot walks over and starts chatting to my mate. It turned out they were cousins and this kid tells him that he had just quit his job with the Council to spend some time touring with his band. My mate advised him against this and I’ll always remember him, bearing in mind he was probably in his early thirties at the time, imploring this kid to “think of your pension”.
I tell you all this now because that kid was Stuart Cable of the Stereophonics who was buried yesterday and remembering the conversation seems almost surreal.
When I was in my late teens there was a pub called the Globe which we used to frequent every bank holiday. The Stereophonics or, as they were called then, the Tragic Love Company, used to play there. Even though they were probably thirteen or fourteen at the time you could tell they had class and would go all the way.
I met Stuart a few times after that and he always used to take the piss out of my mate about the Council and pensions. He was a lovely guy and my condolences go to his family and friends. R.I.P. mate.
Onto other business. I’ve always hated the French and their attitude in the World Cup proves what I’ve always thought about them. Absolute wankers. I couldn’t believe it when they all walked behind the goals in the Mexico match. For some of them it’s their last shot at a World Cup and they behave like spoilt brats. If I’d been Thierry Henry I would have been begging Domenech to let me on the field and try to turn things around. Good riddance to the French wankers. England hasn’t been much better and Rooneys rant to the cameras just about sums up Professional Footballers. Fuck you all, I’m bigger and better than the lot of you and you shouldn’t ever forget it. Wanker should have been born across the channel.
My Daughter entered a sweepstake in School and picked out Chile which I’ve had a tenner on at 80/1. One time please.
Talking of the light of my life, she was picked to play in the School Cricket team in a competition at Sophia Gardens recently. I went down to watch and it was a great day out. She had managed to get into the first team even though she cannot catch a ball and bats as if she’s playing Baseball. They won their first two games quite convincingly and she even managed to take the most wickets in the second match when her underarm lobs enticed a series of batsmen to give her team catching practice. The third game was a disaster.
Under 11 Cricket is played by teams of Eight and each team starts with 200. For every wicket you lose five points comes off this score. Obviously, whatever you score is added on. Every person bowls one over and every person bats for at least one over no matter how many times they are out.
There were four groups of four and the last game was a winner takes all berth into the Semi Finals. These kids turned up, all in whites, and the first thing I noticed was seven of them had County badges on their Jerseys. Watching them bowl it was obvious that they had all been coached by their action and when it came for my Daughter to bat I feared the worst. This kid started launching balls down the wicket like Curtley Ambrose and it took all my will power to not walk on the pitch and give him a slap. In fairness to my Daughter she got her bat on the ball a few times and didn’t get bowled. I was well chuffed. The team scored 203 and the game was all over bar the shouting. The two kids who were batting when my Daughter bowled had a field day although, to be fair, all of them scored runs and they won by about fifty. Unsurprisingly they went on to win the whole Competition. My Daughter enjoyed it which is the main thing; if only she’d pick up the Golf Clubs I bought her, little witch.
Loads of other things I should really be blogging about but I’ll save them for another time.
One last thing, Jessica, should you read this I cannot post comments on your blog and can’t even read it half the time because of some “forbidden 503 error message”. Any ideas?
Later.
Monday, 14 June 2010
World Cup so far
So the greatest show is back and I'm not talking about Big Brother. Been watching the World Cup religiously and I have to say that the relentless droning on in the backround is really winding me up. Why dont Mark Lawrenson and Mick McCarthy just fuck off?
I was watching the Cameroon v Japan game this afternoon and Lawrenson said "This game is really dull". I was sat there thinking "the only thing dull about this game is you, you boring twat". He then starts ripping Japan to shreds about their negative tactics when Cameroon were playing Samuel Etoo on the right side of midfield. Hello, are you watching this you stupid fuckwit?
That said the BBC coverage is killing ITV at the moment. Quick question, can anyone understand a word Emanuel Adebayor says? Quite disappointed with his ring tone as well.
I guess my first memory of the World Cup is 1974 and Johann Cruyff. Holland were awesome but West Germany had Der Bomber and Der Kaiser in their ranks. Gerd Muller poached ten goals and Germany won on home soil. I think my favourite team of all was the Brazil team of 82 with Socrates, Falcao, Zico, Junior, Serginho and Eder. Eder scored a couple of incredible goals including an outrageous chip against Scotland I believe. My favourite though was a volley against Russia. You can see them on this link
Anyhow, poker going good, work going shite, betting going diabolical. Don't think I've had a winning bet yet. Could be worse though, my name could be Robert Green.
I was watching the Cameroon v Japan game this afternoon and Lawrenson said "This game is really dull". I was sat there thinking "the only thing dull about this game is you, you boring twat". He then starts ripping Japan to shreds about their negative tactics when Cameroon were playing Samuel Etoo on the right side of midfield. Hello, are you watching this you stupid fuckwit?
That said the BBC coverage is killing ITV at the moment. Quick question, can anyone understand a word Emanuel Adebayor says? Quite disappointed with his ring tone as well.
I guess my first memory of the World Cup is 1974 and Johann Cruyff. Holland were awesome but West Germany had Der Bomber and Der Kaiser in their ranks. Gerd Muller poached ten goals and Germany won on home soil. I think my favourite team of all was the Brazil team of 82 with Socrates, Falcao, Zico, Junior, Serginho and Eder. Eder scored a couple of incredible goals including an outrageous chip against Scotland I believe. My favourite though was a volley against Russia. You can see them on this link
Anyhow, poker going good, work going shite, betting going diabolical. Don't think I've had a winning bet yet. Could be worse though, my name could be Robert Green.
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