Friday, 23 October 2009

My Daughter the genius part two plus the things you do for your mates

My Daughter is now in the last year of Primary School and the Comprehensive we are hoping she will get into had an open day last week. What an eye opener.
The School is in the top twenty in Britain and had a 99% pass rate last year in “A” levels. What really knocked me sideways were the extra curricular activities it offers. We pitched up a little early and the School orchestra were playing a few tunes. They kicked off with a medley of Blues Brothers tracks which were awesome. This girl then gets up with an acoustic and bangs out “Wonderwall” which was absolutely incredible. These three boys, maybe 12 or 13, get up on the stage and play “Don’t stop me now” by Queen which was also spot on. The whole lot of them then play The Verves “unfinished symphony” which, Richard Ashcroft’s attitude aside, was so good that if you closed your eyes you could picture him walking down the street barging people out of the way.
The Head Master then stood up to say a few words before the Head Boy and Girl also addressed everyone.
The Head Boy was about six foot two and had played Rugby for Welsh Schools. In the last two years he had been on tours to Australia, France, Spain and Italy. The Head Girl was clearly more academically inclined but was part of the School choir who had toured Canada the previous year.
This spotty little oik then gets up. He was about fifteen and after droning on for five minutes he mentions that he is a member of the debating society. I’m thinking so fucking what before he then mentions that last year he had represented the School in Washington and the year before in Athens.
Lastly, this young girl stands up to say a few words. She had been the only kid from her Primary School that had gone to this School so had started on the first day not knowing anyone. She told us all how friendly everyone was and how she had joined the after school clubs to make friends. She was a lovely kid and emphasised just how friendly the school is.
After this we were all given a guided tour. The School was fucking huge. They had a purpose built trampoline area where these fourteen year olds were giving a demonstration. Some of them were incredible. I got talking to the PE teacher who I sort of know from Rugby who told me that he would be disappointed if none of the children in his class didn’t get a shot at the Olympic team in three years time.
By the time I left this place my head was spinning and I was wondering who I would have to bribe to get my Daughter in there. She’s definitely got a great shot though and I’m 99% certain she will be given the go ahead in February.
Last night there was a parents teachers evening in her Primary School. My Missus and I were sat talking to her teacher who was very complimentary about her. After about five minutes she said “you must be very proud” which sort of threw me a bit. My Wife and I agreed that we were to which the teacher said “it’s a great opportunity for her”, which really confused the shit out of me. After a few glances between my Wife and I we both asked “what are you on about?” The teacher shot us a puzzled look and said “Hasn’t she told you? Four pupils from year 6 have been selected to go to Comprehensive School one afternoon a week to study with year 7 pupils in English and Maths. Your Daughter is the only one who has been put forward to do both. From the first week of November she’ll be going to Comp on Wednesday and Thursday afternoons”.
My Missus and I looked at each other before blurting out at the same time “Which Comprehensive School?” to which the teacher made my entire year by saying the one we are hoping she’ll get into next year.
Proud, I hear you say? Damn right I’m proud. In fact I’m so proud I bought her a laptop this morning for her Birthday next month which I’ve just given to her. Obviously, this now doesn’t count as a Birthday present but I don’t fucking care. This School is so good it’s almost criminal that it’s a state School and not Private. With one foot already in the door she would really have to do something stupid to not get in there and I can’t see her doing that.
Anyhow, onto other business.
Mo rang me in tears last week. Turns out his Wife hasn’t had an orgasm since they’ve been married. They went to a Doctor who suggested they had a fan in the bedroom which would cool his Wife down and relax her. Being a tight bastard, Mo asked me round and gave me a beach towel. So, I’m standing there swinging this towel above my head and Mo and his Wife are getting jiggy but I can tell there’s not a lot happening from her point of view. After about twenty minutes Mo stops and asks me to change places with him. I’m not adverse to this has Mo’s Wife is quite tasty. Within two minutes she’s screaming the house down and is well on her way to her fourth orgasm. I allow myself a wry smile and turn to look at Mo who says;
“And that Rubbish my old Son is how you flap a fucking towel”.


  1. Not only does that school sound incredible, that is GREAT news about your daughter!!! Her future looks bright!

    Oh, wow, that bit about Mo was hilarious! Well played!

  2. Ok, that previous comment was me. Not sure what account I was signed into.

  3. OMG, Rubbage - I am proud of your daughter!! I always love it when you write about her - and this! Am I surprised? No. But overwhelmed for both you and her. If she doesn't get in to the school I will be amazed.

    *snickers at the Mo story* You're bad.

    Oh, my husband only weighs a little over 14 stone, which is fine since he's 6'1". But I thank you for the compliment. :)

  4. Your daughter gets her brains from her mother right, which is huge stroke of luck given her dad...

    And anyway I wasn't in tears, I was just a bit snuffly because Spurs lost. But we'll go top on Saturday when Chelsea draw so there.

  5. Congrats to your daughter for being a genius! It has nothing to do with you, eh?

    See, that's a proper dad! Giving his daughter a laptop. I'm not even going to get into what I got. Sheesh.

    As for the Mo story... SICK BURN! Laughed my ass off.

  6. Mo is quite a dude. There can't be many men that secure about their towel-flapping ability.

  7. Congratulations on your daughter, that's fantastic. And good for you for being such a good friend. I hope Mo appreciates you.

  8. Can I go to school with your daughter?

    Seriously, that school sounds amazing and you have major bragging rights.

    The bit about Mo will have me smiling for hours.

  9. Hi folks,
    Yeah, I'm a lucky guy. And Mo is a top guy for not taking umbrage at my joke. Great tipping by the way Mo, what was it, Spurs win Chelsea draw?

  10. Bravo!!! that is HUGE! Here in L.A. the good schools are also highly competitive. You must be breathing a huge sigh of relief.

  11. Your daughter is the coolest kid in this blogosphere and I don't even know her.