Monday, 22 February 2010

It takes all sorts.

Dave rang me the other night for a cheeky pint after work so we met up in a bar we don’t normally frequent. We’re halfway through our first pint when a guy who we both vaguely know walks in. He gets a beer and walks over to where we are standing to say hello.
Although we both don’t know the guy really well we both know his girlfriend. She had been mates with one of Dave’s exes and was a real cutey.
Anyhow, we’re chatting away about nothing in particular and Dave asks how Jen is. This guy says that they’ve split up and he hasn’t seen her for a while. We offer our apologies and carry on making small talk about nothing in particular. I can’t remember how the conversation veered onto the truly bizarre but this guy managed to drop “yeah, Jen used to shit on my chest, the best bit was when she smeared it in” into it.
Dave and I stood there open mouthed whilst this guy then tells us that his current girlfriend refused to do it point blank and won’t even discuss it. With that, he finishes his pint and announces he’s off to pick up a Chinese and he’ll see us around.
We probably stood there in silence for about five minutes before Dave asked whether he had heard him correctly. I concurred and we drank our pints in an eerie silence before heading home.
A little later I started to think about this revelation and married Women in general. I’ve decided that Women fall into three categories. And I’ve got some high profile evidence to back my theories up.
The 90% Woman – these are your normal Married Women who you have to coax for weeks to get a Birthday blowjob. I’m looking at Tiger’s Wife and thinking no chance of a blowjob for him until Hell freezes over. His thirteen minute grovelling apology to his sponsors was probably the most cringe worthy piece of TV this year although it only held this record for a few hours until Eastenders live 25th anniversary show later that evening.
The 9.99% Woman – even after a few years of marriage these Women can surprise you by blowing you at a drop of a hat. Sometimes I look at Cheryl Cole and I can imagine her sidling up to you on the couch as you watch the Footie on a Thursday night. Twenty minutes later you’re sat there with a stupid grin on your face and a further half hour later you realise you’re watching the vicar of Dibley and the cheeky minx has flipped the channels over when you were concentrating on your money shot. The fact that Cashley deemed it necessary to cheat on Cheryl suggests the slimy, money grabbing piece of scum might be looking for that rarest of Women, the 0.01%er. Well, as luck would have it Cashley, you don’t have to look too far.
The 0.01% Woman – here’s a Woman who will shit on your chest and smear it in as well if you ask her nicely. When John Terry cheated on his Wife Toni for the umpteenth time she did what any self respecting Woman would do, packed her bags and headed to Dubai. But this wasn’t just some bimbo JT had bedded, it was an ex team mates girlfriend and friend of his Wife. And he hadn’t just bedded her but got her pregnant, paid for the abortion and given her an £80k sweetener as well. And this was all played out in the media just to add to the embarrassment of the long suffering Toni. But wait, three days after jetting to Dubai she tells the Worlds press that she has forgiven JT. She loves him more than ever and they are going to make another go of it. If Cashley wants’ someone to shit on his chest, I think we have a prime candidate.

12 comments:

  1. Loved this, absolutely hilarious.

    If anyone ever asked that of me...I'd die. Whether from vomiting or laughing, I'm not sure. But definitely one or the other.

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  2. My first thought was "So, she sits on his chest and rubs around; what's the fuss?" Then is occurred to me I'd misread and immediately began to gag and cringe. I mean, I'm as open-minded as the next woman but can we just say EWWWWWWW?? I don't care HOW nicely you ask, that's one of those places anyone with a sense of personal hygiene just won't go.

    How's the quitting smoking going, my friend?

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  3. How does that just pop up in conversation?

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  4. I believe Freud called it the chamber pot complex. We hairy-chested primates prefer a bit of coconut oil to stimulate the roots.

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  5. Is it possible he actually said "sit"? Or "spit?"

    How're those crime stories coming along punk?

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  6. I missed you!!! So much that I shit myself and then rubbed around in it. which group does that put me in?

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  7. 90%? Maybe I have just been going out with the wrong girls or perhaps I just have an irresistable cock. Who knows? They just love putting it in their mouth.

    Give to recieve my boy, give to recieve.

    JR

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  8. LOLOL. Brillaint mate. You need to post more, this stuff is pure gold.

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  9. Hmmm, is it just me but I kinda think this is ok :)

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  10. See now I want to walk up to someone in a bar and say that just to get an idea of what the look on your faces must have been.

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  11. Thats brilliant, hilarious and kinda disgusting, all in one post. Nice one!

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