Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Blind date

San Diego Moms blog wants to know about blind dates. Here's mine.

My first ever job was in an accountants doing payroll and other boring shite. It was a good laugh there but I had to drive to work and I broke my arm playing Football so had to pack it in. This was during the Miners strike so I signed on the dole for the first and last time and would give my giro to the miners fund every Thursday. I could only afford to do this has I was working for my mates uncle. After six months of this I get summonsed to the benefits office and told in no uncertain terms that I had to actively seek work. At this time there were these things called Community Programmes which you could only work on if you had been unemployed for six months, which I had been. Mainly, they employed people to clean out canals and shit like that. Reluctantly, I travelled to Cardiff for an interview.
My mate drove me down and I sat in this office with this Woman who scared the shit out of me. She was really attractive in a designer suit, School teacher, glasses, Gestapo sort of way but her demeanour was more the Sir Alex Ferguson, in your face, hair dryer treatment. At the end of the interview I was offered the job on a twelve month contract but turned it down as I still couldn't drive. This wasn't good enough for Ms Davies who more or less threatened to ensure my dole was stopped if I didn't take the job. I knew I could sort out a lift until my arm came out of plaster so agreed. She then told me that I had to start the next day. So I went home, signed off, arranged a lift and turned up.
What a fucking disaster.
First off she gives me a bollocking for not wearing a tie. I'm then shown into this massive office with several desks and no one in there. I sit down and wait and wait and wait some more. By now it's nine o clock and the phones are ringing off the hook. Finally, with nobody appearing I answer one of the phones. The conversation goes like this:
Me, "Hi, Community programmes head office, how can I help you?"
Caller, "Where's my fucking wages you fucking twat? If there's no fucking money in my account by dinner time I'm going to come down there with a sledge hammer and fuck you up!"
Me. "Oh oh".
Ms Davies appears as I'm getting up to leave and takes me into the Directors office. He explains that the last load of people that they had doing the payroll were useless. In those days Directors were paid annually and these numpties had changed the payroll frequency to yearly for them but forgot to change it back. Subsequently, everyone had a years pay paid into their accounts as opposed to a week or months salary. They then tried to cover up what they had done and failed. Ms Davies had sacked all four of them and replaced them with me. At the time there were over 1500 people employed on these programmes.
This guy, whose name I forget, talked me into staying and my first job was to ensure everyone, Mr sledgehammer especially, got paid. I told the Director about this guy who informed me that over half the people cleaning canals and shit had been in prison which was why they couldn't get jobs anywhere else. Fucking great.
Anyhow, I got on with this guy ok but Ms Davies made my life hell. She was like a prison warden.
"Why haven't you shaved today? Tuck your shirt in. Don't come to work wearing jeans again".
I knew though that she couldn't do fuck all has I was the only person there who could do the payroll so I took the piss big time.
After about two months I'm called into her office again for a bollocking because I'd come in half hour late. She's ranting away and I'm staring out of the window thinking another ten months and I can leave this shithole. The Directors office was adjacent to hers and he used to sit there, rolling his eyes as I was getting shafted and basically trying to make me laugh. He was a top bloke.
There was a few regional offices and I dealt with them on a daily basis. There was one woman I'd talk to regularly about stuff. First off it was all professional but two months down the line it had become quite flirty. She rang me after this latest bollocking and after sorting out some payroll issues she asked me if I fancied meeting up for a drink. Being young, dumb and full of cum I agreed.
We met up the next night at this pub on the outskirts of Cardiff and she was nothing like I had imagined. First off, she was quite a bit older than me. I was eighteen and she was mid thirties. She had shoulder length brown hair and the most amazing blue eyes. She was wearing a charcoal pin stripe jacket and skirt, white blouse, with a clearly visible white lacy bra underneath and high heels. She didn't need the high heels as she was five foot eight without them and I'm a short arse. She was also sporting a magnificent tan. My first impression was that she looked like Ms Davies but with a personality.
We had a few drinks and I offered to drive her home. She suggested that we went to an hotel. I agreed. I wont turn this into a porn post but I ended up having the night of my life.
The next day I get into work all happy, albeit twenty minutes late and am immediately summonsed for my daily bollocking. I'm in Ms Davies office and off she goes on one whilst I stare out of the window. And then I saw it. There's a photograph on the window sill of Ms Davies and this woman I'd shagged the night before.
After her rant was over I gently enquired "Who is that in the photo with you?". Ms Davies shot me a what's it to you, you litle twat look and said "my sister, why?".
I couldn't resist it so informed her, with a big fucking grin on my face, "She's the reason I'm late, I shagged her last night". The Director, whose name I have just remembered was Mr Hooper, came flying into the office red with rage. "You fucked my wife last night?". My grin rapidly disappeared as he threw a punch at me. I stepped inside it, grabbed him by the throat and put him over the desk, right hand poised to spark him out. As I tried to calm him down by telling him I hadn't known it was his Wife, Ms Davies' Sister and she had asked me out and suggested we did the dirty deed, Ms Davies cracked me over the head with her stilleto. Fucking bitch. By now there were a few people in the office and I was bundled out, blood pouring down my face, with the pair of them calling me all the names under the sun. The stupid part of it was that they couldn't sack me because they hadn't employed anyone to help me so I was the only one there who could run the payroll.
I rang this Woman up to warn here and she laughed. Turns out she had been trying to leave Mr Hooper for ages and she hated Ms Davies.
I stayed there for another three months. The recently seperated Mr Hooper glared at me every single second. Ms Davies, who I found out had only been employed by Mr Hooper because she was his Sister-in-law and her rants only tolerated for the same reason, gave me a wide berth and no further bollockings. All the other staff treated me like an hero. Mrs Hooper nee Davies resigned and I never saw her again.
I've also never been on a blind date since.


  1. Hahaha! Holy shit. I wasn't expecting THAT!


  2. Did you hear a really loud, "HOOOOOOOLY SHIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!" coming from the general direction of Ohio?

    Everyone else did. Trust me.

  3. OMG...I did not expect this. Sorry you got a stiletto to the head though but it was a great story.,

  4. Amazing post. I also didn't expect the same. Anyways, congrats you became a hero for the staff as well. Gud luck Rubbish.
    Have a nice day..
    Online Poker

  5. pretty amazing story, the way you just told her you shagged her sister was great. You are a ledge.

  6. I don't swear in comments...

    But an exception tonight...



    Is this for real?


  7. Hi guys,
    Thanks for the comments.
    The story is true. I was very young though and certainly wouldn't do that now. Words can't really express how much I hated Ms Davies but I felt really bad about Mr Hooper. I couldn't believe this woman whose name was Sarah hadn't told me about her relationship with either of them.
    Catch you all soon.

  8. Haha that is absolutely amazing. One of the best stories I have ever read!

  9. Quality, Rubbish my friend, quality! How did I miss this when you first put it up?

  10. Obviously, you should have stopped at the sentence that has "man" and "cider drinking" in it. Then gone back and re-edited your post to "There is something wrong with me! All me friends and I are women!! CIDER women.

    @ dD lol