Monday, 3 August 2009


Just to warn you, this is a really long post!!!

Went to Nottingham on Friday for a weekend of drinking, Poker, debauchery and merriment. Here's my hazy memorys of what occured. Should you read any other blogs which may or may not print scurrilous versions of events, please remember, it only happened if there's a photograph.

Got up at 4.30 am on Friday for work. First of several mistakes this weekend, should have booked the day off. Got home about elevenish and informed Mrs Rubbish I was off to Nottingham which didn't go down to badly. Caught the train and had a can of Strongbow.
It was probably around about Derby when the realisation of what I was doing hit home. I was going on the piss with several guys that, not only had I never met, I hadn't even spoken to on the phone or MSN. I hastily drank another can whilst day dreaming of rooming with some combat 18 thug or ending up in a cell with some guy who informs me he's wanted in several countries for kidnapping and I just happen to be the spitting image of his accomplice. Luckily, I remembered that not only have I been on countless Rugby tours, stag weekends, jolly boy outings, Football trips and lads holidays, I'm also the biggest liability on these trips.
I got into Nottingham and flagged a cab down. Told the guy where I was staying and he drove 30 yards up the road, turned left, pulled into a lay by and pointed across the road. And for this the twat charged me £4.60. I've been on longer dodgem fucking rides. Walked into reception, still cursing, gave the girl my name and she looked at me blankly and said "no room in your name sir".
This is when I realised how badly we had organised this trip. Not only did I not know who I was sharing with but I didn't actually know anyones name! Thankfully I did have a couple of mobile numbers which had been e-mailed to me so I managed to get hold of one of the boys who said he'd make a call and two minutes later this guy walks out of the bar and says "are you rubbish?". I immediately realised what an absolutely shit name I have for this blog. Why the fuck didn't I call it Ace@poker?
"Hi, you must be Ace, how's it going?"
Much better. Or even, areyoutheguythatshaggedthatfitbirdfromhollyoaks@poker.
You could be standing at the bar and one of the boys comes up and says "areyoutheguythatshaggedthatfitbirdfromhollyoaks, what you drinking?". Instant legendary status.
Anyhow, I embarrassingly had to admit to being rubbish, the room got sorted and I hit the bar to meet the rest of them.
I should point out that we all post on a poker forum called RTR and the guys I met have blogs on my blogs list. In no particular order they are, DOV, No cash, Mr O, DD, Amatay and Cogs who doesn't have a blog because he's too fucking lazy!
Everyone had turned up by Five so we had a few beers and then headed into Nottingham to meet another guy called Longy. For some reason we all followed Cogs, maybe because he was the tallest? We crossed the road, sprinted across an eight lane roundabout, recrossed the road, turned left, turned right, walked another mile, turned the corner, nearly fell into a canal and then Cogs points across it and says "there he is". I was fucking amazed because Cogs had never been to Nottingham before. I'm sure he's half man, half Sat Nav. We had a few more ciders with Longy before getting a couple of Taxis to DTD. We had an hour or so to kill before we could register for the tourney we were playing on Saturday so we filled a cash table. This was where I got my first poker lesson of the weekend courtesy of Mr No Cash who raped me for £150.
After registering we headed back into Nottingham to a pub in an old Church. Cogs then carefully navigated us through countless back alleyways to a McDonalds where you could only buy meals and not single burgers? We then traipsed from one side of Notts to the other, passing about 60 pubs, to go to a Walkabout which seemed quite ironic to me. We spent a while in there and then decided to go to a pub across the road. This is where it all went wrong.
I thought five of us had walked into the pub so I stood at the bar and ordered five vodka red bulls. Turned around and I'm in there on my own. OMG WTF. Get my phone out and it's switched off so I drunkenly try to enter my PIN number and fail. Next thing, there a message on my screen saying "enter your PUK number"? OMG WTF.
So, I'm stood in this bar which is absolutely bouncing with five drinks I can't stand drinking, no way of getting hold of anyone and to round it all off, I'm absolutely wankered.
I neck the first drink and seriously consider calling it a night and getting a taxi back to the hotel when "your love keeps lifting me higher" by Jackie Wilson starts blasting out. This Woman wanders over to me and drags me onto the dance floor. I throw a few "Ace" moves and we end up having a couple more dances. The bar was playing classic 60's and 70's songs and I must admit, those are the tunes that get me going.
I drown a couple more drinks and have a couple more dances. This girl was with about five of her mates and had the boys been in there I'm sure we would have had a ball. Finally, her mates drag her off and I'm left on my lonesome again. OMG WTF. But the old "Ace", (beginning to like the sound of this name) animal magnetism was drawing the women in like moths to a light and two minutes later this woman strolls up and starts chatting away. I finish the drinks off, buy a Guinness and something for her and have another dance. Finally, we head off for a curry where I have another Guinness and a bottle of wine. OMG WTF. At half three I realise I've been on the go for 23 hours and need my bed so I drunkenly find the hotel and collapse.
That is my definitive version of the Friday night and unless there's photos, it didn't happen.
Get up about elevenish on Saturday feeling rough as fuck. Wake DD up to borrow some toothpaste and he hasn't got any. Please note that DD is a Scottish bloke and not some bird with a big chest. Wander down to Tescos for some fresh air before hitting the shower and then the bar.
The tournament we're playing doesn't start until eight so the last thing I want to do is go large on it. Unfortunately, this would probably have been the best thing I could have done. Slowly but surely everyone turns up except for DOV who is like an hamster on steroids. I tell Cogs my phone is fucked and I need a Carphone Warehouse. With that he's marching down the street with us all jogging behind trying to catch up. We crossed the road, sprinted across an eight lane roundabout, recrossed the road, turned left, turned right, walked another mile, wandered through a BHS, came out the other side into a shopping precinct, walk another half mile straight to a Carphone Warehouse. How the fuck did he do that?
The boys head off for something to eat, which I'm guessing you all wish you had made a sandwich and a stiff drink at this point but don't worry, only another 3,000 words to go. I spend an hour getting my phone sorted and head to the bar they're in. After forcing a cheeky cider down I start to perk up and DOV turns up about fiveish and tells us a story about a trip he'd been on to the Czech Republic. A dozen or so alarm bells start sounding off in my head as I realise I'm not the biggest liability on tour for once.
We head up to DTD and I plonk myself in the bar and order a £9.50 burger. OMG WTF. Luckily it was nice but £9.50, OMG WTF.
Two of the other boys on the RTR forum are there playing in an £300, two day tourney so a couple of the guys head off to rail them whilst No cash fucks off to rape some other poor suckers on the cash tables. By this time I reckon he's had 2 Stellas, 3 Ciders, 7 double Jamiesons and sodas, and is now on his third Guinness. Respect.
Ant, who I'm not sure if he has a blog and Mik are having mixed fortunes. Ant lost a big chunk of his stack when his KQ on a KK rag flop ran into AK. Mik was second in chips at the time. Ant finally crashed out about sevenish and joined us in the bar, Mik came over when they went on a 20 minute break and managed to talk for the entire 20 minutes without taking a breath once. I was really starting to struggle by this point and it got even worse when we were seated for our tourney and I found myself in the VIP room with the air con jacked up. Twenty minutes into the tourney I had to walk out because I thought I was going to collapse. Another twenty minutes later I was walking out when I played AA as bad as you possibly can. No cash ahd bombed out early and was on the cash tables killing everyone. Cogs was soon with him followed by DOV then DD. Longy called it a night and disappeared quite early. Mik bombed out of his tourney when his KK all in pre flop was called by QQ and AK with an Ace on the river. Absolutely gutting. Ant bombed out of the £50 and as he doesn't drink (gay?) drove Mik home (gay?). Mr O was fast getting blinded down in the £50 and eventually went out in 15th. I was really gutted for him has he was card dead on a very aggresive table. Amatay was chip leader or there abouts from when I started railing them with three tables left. It was at this point I got my second Poker lesson of the weekend. I don't think he was in trouble once. He made some great moves, folded at the right times and it became quite apparent when the final table sat that he was the man to beat. There was a young kid on the table who had roughly the same chip count as Amatay but everytime he made a move this kid would fold. Eventually, the two of them knocked everyone else out and Amatay shagged him within about five minutes of being heads up. £1645 for the win plus another £90 for the last longest bet between us all. The lazy fucker wont surface now until mid November.
By now it was three in the morning and I was seriously fucked. I lasted another hour or so before retiring to my pit.
Got up on Sunday and fucked off early to catch the ten o' clock train to Cardiff. Rail network was down between Notts and Derby which meant I then had to catch a bus. I, of course, missed my connection and was stranded in Derby for two fucking hours. Finally got home about fiveish last night.
I must admit I had a great weekend with the boys. Strange how eight guys who have never met each other can click and have a ball? Just in case you read their blogs, should you ever get to the end of this post, here's my take on them.

DD had the misfortune of sharing a room with me and I will forever be apologising to him when we meet up again. Great guy, steady poker player, very decent drinker and hopefully he hasn't got a camera. Top man and the one I spoke to the most. Where's my toothbrush and toothpaste you fucker? Looking forward to rooming with him again!!!!!!!!!!

Cogs is the South England yomping champion, six years running and his brain is powered by Tom Tom. Very agressive on the tables, very laid back off them. Really good company and I'm not just saying that because he laughed at my jokes. Was really pleased when he won a few hundred at cash on Saturday. Top geezer.

DOV is a fucking maniac. Talks at 100 mph to anyone within a 100 yard radius. Unfortuantely for him, all the talking takes it out of him and he's representing England in the Commonwealth games next time round in the daytime sleeping contest. Every tour needs a DOV who is going to gee everyone up and he certainly did that. Top guy and a brilliant laugh.

No cash is RTR's resident degenerate. Up til 6 am with DOV both nights but also up at 12 on the Saturday, in the bar, on Stella. Fucking awesome. Great cash player who spun £50 up to £350 in an hour on Friday and probably for even more on the Saturday. Learnt a lot watching him play. Definite candidate for a new liver in five years time. Him and DOV together were like Ant and Dec on Crack.

Amatay was the guy who I was most surprised with. I've read his blog for ages and I thought he would be an absolute nutter. I actually found him to be quite quiet and reserved. That said, fuck knows what any of them got up to on Friday night? Superb poker player and another guy I learnt quite a bit from by watching. I would really have liked to have sat next to him whilst he was on the final table and quizzed him on the moves he was making. Top bloke who still owes me for the last Ad I put up for him. Come on fish, you're fucking loaded. Really nice guy.

Mr O was another guy who was on the quiet side but with DOV in your face nobody really got a chance to get a word in edgeways. Spoke to him for an hour on the Sunday morning and he's a great guy though and drinks like a fish. Only draw back was he's from Liverpool. Had to leave him on Sunday when he started nicking hubcaps in the Hotel car park. Another top guy.

Longy was our Nottingham tour guide from hell. Him and Cogs walked us so far I'm three inches shorter. Didn't really get a chance to speak to Longy much but he's been a Poker Pro for five years which is quite impressive. Hopefully we can have an RTR trip somewhere else and Longy would be with us 24/7 so I'd get to know him better.

Ant and Mik seemed like a nice couple.

Only joking guys. Didn't really get to speak to them much, maybe next time?

If you've reached this far then you've got too much time on your hands. All the best and remember, what goes on tour stays on tour.



  1. Whew...ok that took a little while!

    All those ladies approaching you in the bar. Wonder what's going on. Is it your cologne, you think?

  2. Ha ha. Good read! Had a quality weekend and was great to meet you.

    All my cash rapage went down hill after a while on Saturday...about 5 pints too many I think. Can't work out if I did more in DTD or Senoritas?

    I'm looking forward to the next one!

  3. Could have been the cologne, maybe I used the killer whale trainer line, can't remember to be honest.
    Yeah, it was a great weekend mate. I'm guessing Senoritas.

  4. haha gd write up mate and gd to meet ya. I think most people because think im some crazy loon when they read my blog but as u said im alot more reserved when people first meet me. That said i thought you were the quietest of the group. Cheers for the railage, it was nice to have you and Mr O there for some support. Oh btw this post should be called Rubbish Rumps ;-)

  5. Oh and another thing, them links still need to be ammended.

  6. Brilliant post mate. Shame I wasn;t around much. I was so pissed off about busting that main event, Ant (my lover?? lol) gave me a lift back to the hotel and I drove home steaming... hahahahaha.

    That sounded like a cracking weekend tbh. Top work MR Lover Lover!

  7. Sounds like a great time, Ace!

    *Prays somebody has pictures*

  8. I thought you said this was a long post?

    Great write, the "half man half satnav" line cracks me up.

    MacDonalds have probably stopped doing single burgers to thwart me - they've figured out that I reckon getting two double cheese burgers gives me more food for less than a meal.

  9. Sounds like a great trip, I was gutted when me and Mrs P couldn't make it but we're definitely up for the next one that is for sure!

  10. Great read, sounds like you guys had an awesome time.

  11. Cheers for the comments guys. Yeah, it was a great weekend. Looking forward to the next one.

  12. 1. I agree with the idea of a name change but would pick: that out to impress the other fellas

    also, I almost fell over when you said, "nice guy but he drinks like a fish" after your night out there i'm scared to know exactly how much this guy can consume

  13. Sounds fabulous!! A memorable weekend...

    by chance are you drunk blogging? LOL

  14. an real pleasure meeting you, sir. top fucking weekend all round, lol ok so the poker sucked, mostly.
    next time i will deffo bring toothpaste :)

    "samsmama" your prayers are answered, yo Rubbish, how much for the pictures ? he he he he ;)

  15. Hi Jess,
    Wouldn't work, I'm guessing in any pub in Britain, if you called out "sleptwithSennaMiller" there'd be about a dozen guys with their hands in the air.
    Hit40 - no, which is unusual.
    DD - where have you been? Everyone has been posting and you surface 4 days later. Lightweight. As for photos, I'm sure Amatay would outbid me.

  16. You should really stop using the killer whale line. It's just not fair to the ladies. They swoon and when they come to, you've up and disappeared!

    Also...even though you can't win the dolls, I'd love it if you would answer the questions.

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