A day with Mo

Went out for a meal with Mo and his Wife last night. Must admit I felt a little bit sorry for him. He had gone Christmas shopping for a pair of camouflage trousers in the afternoon but couldn’t find any. His Daughter wanted a pet so he went to a buy a Goldfish. The pet shop owner asked if he wanted an aquarium and Mo replied that he didn’t care what star sign it was.
We met up at Houston train station. While we were there he went to buy a couple of tickets to go to Paris with his Missus.
“Eurostar?” the guy behind the counter asked.
“Well my blogs quite well read but I’m no Will Smith” he replied.
He also had to pop to the Doctors.
“Haven’t seen you for a while” the Doctor said.
“I know I’ve been ill” Mo replied.
“What’s up?” asked the Doctor.
“I’ve hurt my arm in several places” Mo told him.
“Well don’t go to them anymore” the Doctor retorted.
“Have you got anything for wind?” Mo asked him so the Doctor gave him a kite.
The Doctor started giving Mo an examination.
“You’re going to have to stop masturbating Mr Stoneskin” she said.
“Why?” Mo asked quite alarmed.
“Because I’m trying to examine you” she answered.
After the examination she told Mo that he had quite a serious illness.
“I want a second opinion” Mo informed her.
“Okay, you’re fucking ugly as well”
After that we had to go to the Dentists.
“Say Aaaaaaaahhh Mr Stoneskin” the Dentist told him.
“Why?” asked Mo.
“Because my Cat’s just died”.
Most Dentists chairs go up and down. The one Mo was in was going backwards and forwards. Finally the Dentist asked him to get out of the filing cabinet.
We had to cut short that little visit though because Mo’s Wife rang him extremely upset.
“I’ve got water in the carburettor” she cried down the phone.
“Where’s the car now?” Mo asked.
“In the Thames”.
On the way back to the house we popped in London Zoo. There was this Monkey in the enclosure with a tin opener.
“You don’t need that to open bananas” Mo told him.
“I fucking know that” said the Monkey, “It’s for the custard”.
We spotted a guy trying to chat up a Cheetah.
“I think he’s trying to pull a fast one” Mo commented.
We were watching the penguins when one walked over to us.
“Have you seen my Brother?” the Penguin enquired.
“What’s he look like?” Mo answered.
“Get all your money on Liverpool this weekend” the Penguin told us.
One of the Zoo keepers was walking past so Mo grabbed him.
“That Penguin just spoke to us” Mo screamed at him.
“Which one?” asked the bemused keeper?
Mo pointed out the Penguin.
“What did he say to you?” the keeper asked.
“He told me to have a bet on Liverpool” Mo replied.
The Zoo keeper shook his head.
“Don’t listen to Trevor” he told us, “he knows fuck all about Football”.
Finally Mo and his Wife got themselves sorted and we went to the Restaurant.
“Can I take your Order?” the waiter asked us.
“I was just wondering” Mo replied, “How do you prepare your chickens?”
“Oh nothing special” the waiter said, “we just tell them straight out that they’re going to die”.
After reading the menu Mo ordered the food in fluent French. This came as a bit of a surprise as we were in a Chinese.
The food arrived and Mo started complaining straight away.
“This chickens cold” he informed the Waiter.
“I should think so” he said, “It’s been dead for three days”.
“And it’s got one leg shorter than the other”.
“Are you eating it or dancing with it?” the waiter enquired.
This Duck walked up to Mo’s Wife.
“Your eyes sparkle like Diamonds” he whispered to her.
“Waiter”, shouted Mo, “I asked for A R O M A T I C Duck”.
On the way home the Police stopped Mo.
“Can you blow in this?” he offered Mo.
“Why?” Mo fired back.
“Because my chips are cold” he said.

Tommy Cooper R.I.P.