I came home from work tonight to find a Plumbers van outside the house. I actually sat in the car and said a prayer. God wasn't fucking listening though. The guy was sat in the kitchen dinking a cuppa. I said, "please tell me you're here because you've been shagging my Wife"? "No luck sorry Rubbish", he replied, "Your boilers fucked and it's going to cost you £1500".
That's just fucking typical.
And has my Missus a kiss and tell story regarding Tiger to sell. Has she fuck. I feel like dropping him an e-mail asking what's wrong with her because she's the only Woman in the Northern Hemisphere he hasn't boned, alledgedly.
Pokers going shit as well. Played one tournament on Stars the other night that summed it up. Four hours in and I make the final table of a $4.40 PLO tourney with 740 runners. I've beaten 731 people and for that I make $39.45. Not even $9 an hour. I've been getting e-mails from filipino street urchins taking the piss out of me for earning so little.
Played yesterday and I'm going along nicely when I get involved in a pot which would have given me the chip lead. I've got 10 10 9 8 on a A 10 6 flop. Guy bets, I raise, he re-raises, I go all in, he calls. He turns over A 9 8 7 for top pair and a gutshot straight draw. Turn A, river A. Fuck Stars.
I ran a quick poll last week to see why people don't comment. 53 of you are lazy twats which is fair enough. 64 of you think I'm a twat. I was a bit worried about that until I looked into it further and found that 63 of those came from Mo's IP address. The other one was my Mother.
On to my favourite fuckwit, Mo. He rang me up last week in a bit of a state. After calming him down the conversation went like this:
Me; "So what's up Mo?"
Mo; "Well, I found a young homeless girl out by my bins last night. She was dirty and didn't smell too good but underneath the grime I could see she was pretty and had a good body".
Me; "You didn't did you Mo?"
Mo; "Well, I brought her into the house and gave her a bath. As I was towelling off her naked body I became aroused and one thing led to another".
Me; "Tell me you didn't take advantage please Mo?"
Mo; "I couldn't help myself Rubbish. Before I knew it I was making mad passionate love to her. I was banging her so hard that a couple of times you'd have sworn she was still alive".