Monday, 7 December 2009

It could be worse, I could be Mo.

I came home from work tonight to find a Plumbers van outside the house. I actually sat in the car and said a prayer. God wasn't fucking listening though. The guy was sat in the kitchen dinking a cuppa. I said, "please tell me you're here because you've been shagging my Wife"? "No luck sorry Rubbish", he replied, "Your boilers fucked and it's going to cost you £1500".
That's just fucking typical.
And has my Missus a kiss and tell story regarding Tiger to sell. Has she fuck. I feel like dropping him an e-mail asking what's wrong with her because she's the only Woman in the Northern Hemisphere he hasn't boned, alledgedly.
Pokers going shit as well. Played one tournament on Stars the other night that summed it up. Four hours in and I make the final table of a $4.40 PLO tourney with 740 runners. I've beaten 731 people and for that I make $39.45. Not even $9 an hour. I've been getting e-mails from filipino street urchins taking the piss out of me for earning so little.
Played yesterday and I'm going along nicely when I get involved in a pot which would have given me the chip lead. I've got 10 10 9 8 on a A 10 6 flop. Guy bets, I raise, he re-raises, I go all in, he calls. He turns over A 9 8 7 for top pair and a gutshot straight draw. Turn A, river A. Fuck Stars.
I ran a quick poll last week to see why people don't comment. 53 of you are lazy twats which is fair enough. 64 of you think I'm a twat. I was a bit worried about that until I looked into it further and found that 63 of those came from Mo's IP address. The other one was my Mother.
On to my favourite fuckwit, Mo. He rang me up last week in a bit of a state. After calming him down the conversation went like this:
Me; "So what's up Mo?"
Mo; "Well, I found a young homeless girl out by my bins last night. She was dirty and didn't smell too good but underneath the grime I could see she was pretty and had a good body".
Me; "You didn't did you Mo?"
Mo; "Well, I brought her into the house and gave her a bath. As I was towelling off her naked body I became aroused and one thing led to another".
Me; "Tell me you didn't take advantage please Mo?"
Mo; "I couldn't help myself Rubbish. Before I knew it I was making mad passionate love to her. I was banging her so hard that a couple of times you'd have sworn she was still alive".



  1. Valentina Vargas in The Name of the Rose. She's one of those women that the grime made sexier.

  2. Maybe if the plumber isn't sticking it to your wife now, he could be persuaded to. Might give you a good discount.

    Poor, poor Mo.

  3. I think this is one of the funniest posts I've ever read!

    I can't wait 'till mo reads this.

  4. You're wife's not alone, you know - Tiger has neglected me as well. What's with that, anyway?

    This one is for Mo:

    Necrophilia - the sudden urge to crack open a cold one.

    Hmmm...I believe that's an American colloquialism that may be lost on you. Trust me, it's funny in a sick sort of way.

  5. What did the two gay guys in the morgue say?
    "let's suck down a few cold ones."

  6. I can't believe you're calling Mr Condescending and Captain Dumbass filipino street urchins to their face.

    1500 quid huh? Serves you right.

  7. HA! That last line jolted me upright!


  8. Excellent Sir, I spat out my Tizer.

  9. I can swear fluently in filipino, but at least I don't touch dead bodies. Well, don't touch them like Mo does anyway.

  10. I just woke my kid up with that first line about hoping the plumber was shagging your wife. The second time I woke her (thanks) was Mo's conversation with you.