Thursday, 22 April 2010

Newcastle nights out that I sort of remember.

Next weekend I'm off to Blackpool and Newcastle on a Poker jolly with the RTR crew. I've only ever been to Blackpool once and I think I may have blogged about it before. I've been to Newcastle three times but can only remember two of them. How bizzare is that?
The first time in Newcastle was probably the best. Seven of us had decided to drive to Edinburgh for the Rugby. We set off on the Thursday but the snow was so bad we had to take refuge in Newcastle for the night. We stopped off in a place called Whitley Bay and found a cheap B & B for the night.
The guy who ran it was a good laugh and we had a couple of beers with him before heading off to a pub. The snow was coming down in a blizzard and we were just about to leave when he stopped us.
"Don't bother wearing coats boys, you'll get in the first pub, end up taking them off and someone will nick them".
We took his advice allthough walking to the pub in a foot of snow, shivering like fuck, I seriously doubted whether I would be taking a coat off.
I can't remember the name of the pub but as we walked in the heat hit us like a punch in the face and the first thing we saw was the barmaid dancing on the bar in a bikini. What a town.
The next morning we got up, seriously hung over. Dave and I had both decided that Edinburgh could go fuck itself and we were staying for the weekend. Big G agreed and that was that. We asked the guy if we could stay for a couple more days and he laughed.
"I've already reserved the rooms for you boys because I knew you wouldn't be going anywhere after a night out here".
On the Friday night we met a gang of Scots boys who were on a stag weekend and ended up having a laugh with them. After arranging to meet them to watch the match on the Saturday we ended up in some bar where Big G was chatting to this girl. In fairness G does allright with the Ladies but this girl was not having any of it and finally told him to fuck off as she was a Lesbian.
The next day we met the Scots in this pub and they dragged us off to another one because there were strippers there. The first two girls came on and did a lesbian show and you've guessed it, there was the girl who Big G had been chatting up. At least he knew that she wasn't lying and was a Lesbian.
Later that evening we fell foul of the local crime lord/drug dealer. G, who had the piss taken out of him all day, was dancing with this girl when some guy walks over and whispers something to her. Off she trots and G sits down with us whingeing like a good one. This girl starts arguing with some guy so G wanders over to see if sh's okay. This guy tells G to fuck off and a couple of big fuckers stand either side of G in a menacing manner. We are all clocking this and Dave nudges me and says "get ready".
One of the guys puts his hand on G's shoulder and he immediately elbows him in the face breaking his nose. The other guy gets a straight hand in the throat and he goes down gasping for breath. The crime lord stands up and pulls a gun on G and the whole place just stops. Unfortunately for this guy, he manages to pull a gun on the one person who had just spent a year in Rio and Sao Paulo, having guns pulled on him on a daily basis. G leans forward so that the gun is inches away from his forehead and questions whethe the guy has the bollocks to do it. Three hundred people are now watching this spectacle and we all stand next to G in a show of solidarity. This stand off only lasted a few seconds but it seemed like fucking hours. Eventually this guy laughs, puts the gun away and buys us all a beer. G pulls the girl and everyone lives to fight another day.
The second time I went to Newcastle is the one that I can't remember. I know it was a stag weekend and I know Dave and G were there. I also know that I had to travel up on my own because I had to work on the Friday on a concert. The only other thing I can recall is going to the Tuxedo Princess.
For those that don't know the Tuxedo Princess is a ship moored on the Tyne that has been turned into a giant Club. Three floors all playing dfferent music and these revolving dance floors that absolutely creased me, not once but three times. And always when I was holding about three pints. Other than that I can't remember fuck all about that weekend.
The last time I went was on another stag weekend. We went to Newcastle Rugby Club on the Saturday to watch Newcastle v Bath and and when we got to the ground there was a massive banner which read "MY DOG IS BETTER THAN MIKE CATT". Class.


  1. Ah Mike Catt! I remember when he got flattened by Jonah Lomu in 1995. Your experiences in Newcastle are worthy of a scene in Get Carter,

  2. I hate carrying three pints. It's not that I can't do it, mind, I'm not a total goat, but some klutz always crashes into me or a step appears out of nowhere. Anyway. I imagine that carrying three pints while on a moving ship would be pretty difficult. If someone pulled a gun on you when you were holding three pints would you offer him one?

    I've decided to turn down any invites from you to go to Newcastle. Insurance company advised it.

  3. GB - Unfortunately I remember Mike Catt for coming on as a second half sub when Wales were stuffing England in the World Cup and totally changing the game. Bastard.
    Mo - Jeez, you're up that neck of the woods now, why don't you come out for a pint next week? We'll be in the G casino on Satuday and Sunday if you fancy it?

  4. The key to carrying beer safely is take a swig from each pint and then grip putting your fingers in. They'll complain but fuck em - they should have helped at the bar if they were that bothered! In fact if they don't want theirs I'll happily drink it as my fingers have only been scratching my own arse so I'm not too fussed :-)

  5. LMFAO!

    I love your stories,m hope this weekend can be just as epic!

  6. one thing your life is not and will never be is boring.

  7. Hey Rubbish, bring G with you, we could do with some nails Welsh dudes as back up in Newcastle :)

  8. Highstack - hope I'm never in a round with you
    Mik - Hope so to
    Jess - No I'm a boring old bastard now
    Snake - He's off to Derby with Cardiff City. Why do we need back up? What are you planning to do?