Tuesday, 14 July 2009

The Evil Antagonists #64

San Diego Moms blog has this challenge.
Make up a silly evil scheme. Even better? Dream up an evil antagonist and write a story about the dreadful thing he plans to do.
Here's mine.

I've never really got on with my next door neighbours. It's nothing to do with the fact that they are a pair of lesbian femnists who hate all men and would brain wash my Wife and Daughter given half a chance. It's more to do with them parking their camper van outside my house and spitting everytime they see me.
One is a freelance computer programmer and the other is a scientist with some Government quango. Quite often they'll turn up in my local pub and sit in the corner, snarling at all the men whilst drinking halves of real ale and smoking roll up cigarettes. Funnily, they'll sit quite contented watching football or rugby on the TV so, just to piss them off, we always flick the channel over to one of the MTV shows with some scantily clad babes gyrating around a blinged up Rapper who is telling us all to "slap our bitches". That's always guaranteed to send them into overdrive, calling us all pigs and how our day would come soon.
Saturday started off normally. I'm making breakfast and my missus is in the garden hanging up the washing. Out marches one of them who starts lecturing my Wife about how her hanging up the washing is empowering all men to do nothing domestically. My wife turned and rolled her eyes at me before nodding in agreement and engaging in conversation with her. Out strolls the other one, giving me a glare, before chatting with my missus. I'm just turning the sausages when this guy I've never seen before comes flying out of their back door and starts screaming.
"Why don't you two just stand there chatting while I make breakfast? That's just fucking typical of you. Let me do everything while you do fuck all".
And with that this guy storms back in their house slamming the back door behind him.
My missus walks in, shellshocked.
"Did you see that"?
"Very weird", I nodded.
All throughout the day we would hear strange ramblings from next door.
"Don't worry, I'll do the fucking hoovering shall I"?
"You two just sit there and I'll fucking mow the lawn".
"Is it too much to ask for a cup of tea you lazy bastards"?
My wife and I sat there in silence listening to the commotion.
"Very fucking weird" I said to the missus.
"Totally agree", replied the wife, "shall I go and talk to them"?
"Up to you, I'm off to the pub".
Next day I'm up early cutting the grass and Mad Mikey from my local walks out into next doors back garden, crying.
"Mikey, what are you doing" I ask?
"What am I doing, everything, that's what I'm doing whilst they sit there doing fuck all. Ungrateful bitches".
I look towards their house and spot the pair of them watching Mikey and I through the kitchen window. I look back at Mikey who now has tears streaming down his face.
"Mikey, jump over here and have a can with me", I offer.
"No time sorry, I have to make breakfast and then make the beds and do the washing because those two lazy twats wont".
And with that he's gone.
I walk back in the house, mouth down by my ankles.
"Did you just see that" I ask the wife?
"Yeah, was that Mad Mike"?
"Yeah".
"What's he doing there"?
"I have no fucking idea".
Yet again we listen to Mikey shouting and screaming all day long. The next day there's another guy in histronics over the slightest thing. And then another. A different guy all week long.
Finally, on Friday, I'm sitting in the front room and decide to fire up the laptop to play a few games of Poker. I've got this Wi Fi connection and I notice as I'm about to load Full Tilt that I've connected on next doors broadband. And then I notice a site open on my google bar so I open it up and it's a porn site. Strange I think, those two next door must be watching this. And it was strange because it was normal porn not lesbian porn which is what I would expect them to watch. Because I've got Vista the film they're watching is streaming slowly and it's only then I notice subliminal messages between frames. On further carefull studying I eventually begin to be able to read all the messages. And then I realised what the two fucking witches were doing. They had only created the first ever PMT simulation program and had copied it over porn films so that any man watching would wake up in the morning, an hysterical wreck, screaming and crying over the slightest thing. They had obviously been testing it all week and I guessed they were going to start downloading it so that every man on the planet who watches porn, which would be every man, would fall under their evil spell. Right, I thought to myself, I need to put a stop to this now. I got up and started to walk to the door when I noticed my Wife standing there.
"Allright love, what you doing with that shovel"?

12 comments:

  1. A mate of mine just rung me from Wales. He was walking down the street when he saw a man running along screaming, crying, muttering about needing a cider and something about a shovel. Hysterical, my mate told me. That'll be Rubbish, I said.

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  2. Those two lesbian feminists are focking brilliant!

    Power to the PMT Porn!

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  3. Evil camper driving, lesbian masterminds!

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  4. You just can't trust feminists. Or wives for that matter.

    Brilliant, as usual.

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  5. This is awesome!

    Where can I get that porn?? My husband needs some encouragement. ;)

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  6. I agree with Mama Kat: all husbands/boyfriends/lovers/and other men involved in women's lives should see that lol!

    Thanks for the comment on my post :)

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  7. I'm not a lesbian, but I (probably) can spit. Therefore, I'm qualified for that porn.

    My hubby has some chores to do around the house.

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  8. I thought you only got computer viruses from porn. Nice!!!

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  9. LMAO This IS great! I love how nonchalant your dialogue is between you and your wife regarding each other's curiosity in the matter.."Odd?" "Yes, odd" Comedic gold!

    Lesbian Feminist aka Evil Antagonists? Fraking brilliant!

    I wonder though, your plans for that shovel. Hmmm...

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