Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Favourite things cont.......

Here's a couple more of Mo and my favourite things.

3. I'm a constant dayreamer. From the moment I wake I'm away with the fairies. Take today. Wake up and stand in the kitchenete making a cup of coffee while studying the trailer park. Of course I'm dreaming about gazing at the great pyramid of Giza or surveying the statue of Zeus at Olympia or marvelling at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff. Quick shower where I pretend I'm standing under the Dunns river falls in Jamaica or the Angel falls in Venezuela or even the pissing down rain in the Brecon Beacons.
Quick wander down to the bus stop avoiding the chavs and tramps whilst dreaming of sauntering down Sunset Boulevaud or meandering down Magnolia Way or strolling along Swansea Bay. Bus journey, front seat taken by gimp couple in matching Japanese Emperor outfits, to work takes me past Council Estates with burnt out cars and boarded up kebab shops. How I long to take a bus past the Taj Mahal or maybe a boat trip past the Lighthouse of Alexandria or even a rickshaw along the river Taff.
Work sees me at my daydreaming peak. Today, for some strange reason, I've been singing Catatonias "International Velvet, Every second of every hour I thank the Lord I'm Welsh", to myself.
On the way home I dreamt of hiking in the Himalayas and safariing in the Serengheti and even snowboarding in Snowdonia.
My Wife has just made Welsh rarebit for tea which seems quite apt although I haven't a clue why?

When you list your favourite things you have to include porn dont you? Okay, I know I'm married and everything but that's the reason why. I believe sex is a bit like custard. I had 90% of my lifes custard intake by the time I left school and I think I probably had 90% of my lifes sexual experiences before I got married. That's not to say my Wife and I don't get all hot and horny anymore just that the gaps in between seem to get slightly longer each time. That's why porn is one of my favourite things.

4. Pubs. I love pubs. I could sit in them all day and quite often do on weekends. I have a couple of local pubs which I frequent. My favourite is a big Footie pub. It's awash with characters and there's never a dull moment.
After the game on Sunday I'm sitting at the bar reading the paper and one of the locals turns to me and says "What's it like to be able to read"? I thought he was joking but he wasn't. He then went on to tell me about how he left school at nine! His Dad made him work with him in a scrap yard. When his Dad died he got various jobs as a labourer on building sites all around Britain and now works on the roads. He's a superb guy and a great laugh.
And that's what I love about pubs because where else would I meet someone like that.

Another dinner time, another pub.
That's the best thing about a pub. They're not like your Wife where you get married and overnight become a one Woman Man. You can have a local pub but you are allowed to whet your appetite elsewhere.
Today I was in the Shotgun and Pellet. Dave the barman looked up from his wank mag and stretched a welcoming hand towards me. I declined to shake just in case he had declined to wash and pondered whether a bottle might be the best option. I settled for a cheeky little Babycham for starters and sat at the end of the bar.
"Long time, no see" Dave offered as an opening gambit.
He was quite correct, it was.
I'm lucky enough to work in an area with 126 pubs in a 200 yard radius. This allows me to visit each one twice a year. And that is the crux of the matter, pubs are not my favourite thing, stealing from them is.
"I think I'll have a pint of Stella and six shots of Tequila please Dave" I replied.
Dave shot a quizzical look, "all six for you Guv"?
"Yes please Dave and can I have them in those quaint Tequila glasses you have on the top shelf".
Dave reached up for them and placed them in a row infront of me. I could sense him eyeing me suspiciously. Could he possibly remember the last time I was in and half inched the yard of ale? I glanced about and spotted a sickly looking Yukka plant not two feet away from me. Quickly, I opened my laptop case, sans laptop, whilst fumbling in my pocket for my mobile. Dave finished pouring and stepped back to get a better view of proceedings. What he failed to spot was me dialing the bar phone number. The phone rang and Dave turned to answer. Quick as a flash six Tequilas acquainted themselves with Mr Yukka and six glasses acquainted themselves with the inside of my laptop case.
As I marched through the side door I could hear Dave shouting "hello, hello" into the phone. "See you in six months sucker" I silently mouthed as I walked next door to the Stripper and Tissue.


  1. Mate you know you could make a mint writing like this for a sports mag or poker site don't you?

    Hmm, well it was brilliant, and I loved the post, though I'm not sure its very accurate because I while I dislike gimps and Japanese tourists, I'm not a Tequila fan. Wait, you're the shot guy, I'm the ale guy, that's right. Oh yeah, you like your apple juice too, I nearly forgot...

  2. Hahahahaha! You guys are great. You should blog "together" more often.

  3. *snort* We know who the porn lover is, dude.

    Another easy one, my friend.

  4. You're lucky to have pubs. We have places that call themselves pubs, but they suck.

    Off to look at some porn.

  5. I could have written this for you. Well, the part about loving porn and pubs, at least

  6. Loved the story of stealing the tequila glasses. Just fucking awesome. If I ever got brave enough to try that, I'd definitely write about it too.

  7. Sigh...I miss pubs! Remind me to call you if/when I finally do turn to a life of crime!!!