Friday, 18 September 2009

A short story for you all

Dave was your average 40 year old guy. Married, Daughter, decent job, mortgage, liked his Friday nights out with the boys and watching sport on a Saturday. He also liked his holidays.
He wasn't particularly enjoying Egypt though. 120 degrees in the shade was slowly wearing him down. Mustapha, the tour guide from hell, was absolutely killing him. There was obviously some race on amongst the tour guides as to which one could drag a pack of Westerners around the Valley of the Kings the quickest. Mustapha was determined to win in Dave's view as that was the only logical explanation for the speed they were going at.
His group were currently in a tomb with hieroglyphics on the main walls from the ceiling to the floor. Dave marvelled at the colours and the workmanship that had gone into producing something so spectacular. Mustapha was having none of it and was herding people on to the next room. Dave hung back and when the last person disappeared breathed a sigh of relief.
Quickly taking a bottle of water from his rucksack, Dave sat in the corner of the room and studied the drawings. The main wall was estimated to be over 3000 years old and the attention to detail was incredible. How did people from that civilisation ever create such fantastic artefacts Dave wondered.
A young boy walked in, maybe 12 years old, smiled at Dave and sat next to him. He pulled a sketch pad out of his bag and after studying the wall for a few minutes started drawing. Dave took another sip of water and offered the bottle to the boy who took a drink and carried on drawing.
Curiosity got the better of Dave and he peaked at the boys drawing. Whatever it was it didn't resemble anything on the wall. The boy carried on drawing so Dave tried to engage him in conversation.
"Hi, I'm Dave".
The boy looked at Dave and smiled, "I'm Frank".
Dave smiled back, "What are you drawing Frank?" Dave inquired.
Frank stood up and held the drawing to an area of the wall which had what appeared to be 4 slaves raising somthing off the floor using sticks with 2 cobras watching them. What Frank had drawn was a series of strips which resembled helicopter blades. Dave shrugged, "Can't see that sorry Frank" he replied with a degree of honesty.
Frank smiled again and sat back down to continue drawing.
And draw he did at a furious pace. Pages upon pages of intricate drawings, none of which resembled anything on the wall in front of them. Finally, after an hour or so, he stood up and showed Dave the drawings in the pad. They were of an incredible standard, something a Draughtsman or Architecht would come up with. Dave looked at them all in awe. Finally he asked, "What is it Frank?".
Frank smiled yet again, "It's a time machine".
Dave's jaw dropped an inch and for a second he was speechless. And then he laughed.
"Nice one Frank, you had me going then".
Frank grinned, "No really it's a time machine, can't you see it?". And he held the pad against the wall pointing at his drawings and the hieroglyphics but Dave couldn't see it. Not at all. Frank smiled yet again and handed Dave the pad.
"For you" he said and with that he turned and walked away.
Dave sat there for another few hours looking at the drawings and then at the wall but he couldn't fathom out how Frank had come to interpret them the way he had. Finally, Dave placed the pad in his rucksack and left.
Fast forward two weeks and Dave was back home. He'd spent the remainder of the holiday thinking about Frank and the sketch pad. Everything about Egypt would make sense if time travellers or aliens had been there 3000 years ago. Dave was fortunate to work for a Manufacturing Company. He had started out at the bottom and ended up as the Production Manager. Luckily this meant he knew how to operate all the machinery. With sketch pad in hand, Dave went to work on Saturday when no one was in and started making all the pieces from the drawings. Some were easy, straight lengths of Stainless Steel which he could shear on a guillotine. Others he had to program on a Turret Punch and manufacture out of Titanium. Others had to be folded on a Press Brake. Finally after 28 hours of non stop work Dave had everything done. Every drawing and diagram Frank had given him was complete apart from the last drawing of all which showed the completed machine. Dave loaded the Company lorry with all the gear and drove home.
It took another three hours to get everything into his garage after which Dave decided to have a rest before assembling it. Dave lay on the settee and imagined what he would do. A trip back to Egypt maybe but this time Egypt 3000 years ago so he could watch the pyramids being erected. Possibly a quick jaunt back to the beginning of the Universe to see if there was a big bang. Or even Christ's cruxifiction or would that be a bit to gross. Finally Dave realised he wouldn't get to sleep so he headed back to the garage.
Everything slotted together perfectly. 1000's of pieces of metal effortlessly joining without a screw or nut in sight. Dave imagined it was a bit like doing a 3d jigsaw. After only 30 minutes the time machine was complete. Dave sat in it and hundreds of little circular components, a bit like washers, merged together and formed an instrument panel in front of him. Dave pressed one and another hundred odd pieces floated out and formed into a replica of the Solar System. After a bit of playing about Dave managed to comprehend what most things did and finally after another hour he was ready. Dave turned the time settings back one day and quickly checked he had some money in his pocket so that he could go down the bookies and place a twenty team accumulator on the previous nights football which would net him a cool hundred grand. Just as he was set to go he looked up. Directly above him was one empty space, cog shaped, about 2 mm in Diameter. Dave glanced around the garage but couldn't see any components left. Dave shrugged and pressed the button and a gentle whirling sound started. Strips of Stainless Steel started spinning around in a arc and the garage became a blurr as thousands of Galvanised plates twisted at incredible speeds. Dave held onto a convenient arm rest that had popped out and just at the split second when he imagined the machine was going to transport him back in time there was a massive clank and within another split second he was sat on the garage floor surrounded by 1000's upon 1000's of mangled pieces of scrap metal.

Frank was sat in a office with his Mother and Father. In front of them was an empty table and chair. An elderly guy walked into the room carrying a huge file which he slammed on the table. He sat down and opened it, flicking through a few pages at a time. Finally Franks Father, who was also called Frank, spoke.
"Why are we here?".
They guy looked at them with undisguisable contempt. He slammed the file down on the table yet again and spoke.
"Do you know what Frank did two weeks ago? I'm guessing you don't so let me fill you in on recent events. Frank has broken just about every law imaginable"
Franks Mother, who was also called Frank, started to cry.
The guy, ignoring her, continued.
"Firstly Frank created a worm hole to the planet Earth. Have you any idea how catastrophic this could have been?"
Frank Jnrs Father, Frank went to say something but the guy waved a cursory hand at him and went on.
"The last question was rhetoric. When on Earth he then passed to an Human Being" he literally spat these words out and just to emphasise how much he hated Humans he spat it out again. "An Human Being, of all creatures in this Universe, your boy Frank gave one detailed diagrams on how to construct a time machine".
Franks Mum, Frank, started to sob hysterically at this notion.
"Do you realise the implications of this? A Human with a time machine which incidentally was also a space transporter, would cause unlimited damage to the Universe as we know it. In no time at all countless planets would be at war. Entire Systems would implode. Humans would try to take over everything. The Galaxy as we know it would be finished".
Frank Jnrs Mum fainted. Frank Jnrs Dad buried his head in his hands. The guy continued with his rant.
"When the worm hole was discovered we dispatched personnel but they arrived too late. The Human, whose name was Dave, can you believe that?"
Frank Snr shook his head.
"Well this Dave had actually managed to assemble the machine and had fired it up".
Frank Snr started to tremble.
"He didn't use it did he?"
The guy shook his head.
"Fortunately young Frank had left out the transjigamondo which as I'm sure you are aware meant the Time Machine not only wouldn't work but actually disintegrated. Our personnel stole the diagrams back whilst the Human was sat on his arse scratching his head and I think it's fair to say, saved the Cosmos."
Franks Dad nodded, Franks Mother regained consciousness and young Frank breathed a huge sigh of relief.
"You do realise what this means though don't you?" the guy asked Frank Snr. Frank Snr nodded as did Franks Mum. Young Frank didn't have a clue what it meant.
"As your Sons Headmaster and also career advisor I must advise you that Frank is a retard and his career options now seem limited to B & Q or Ikea".

Yes you've guessed it. Spent three hours trying to put a chest of drawers together for my Daughter only to find that the fucking thing hasn't got any runners for the drawers with it. Fucking bastards.


  1. Couldn't you have asked Frank to put it together?

    I thought you said it was short, now I'm busting for a wee...

    Loved the story, elegantly written and pure class. And the missing runners, story of my life mate. Just the other day I was putting a cot up, I popped one of those little wooden plug things into a hole, only it was the wrong hole, it got jammed right in the bottom of a bolt hole and the whole thing wouldn't hold together until I had finally got the damn thing out several hours later.

  2. Rubbage m'dear, I had to pick myself up off of the floor before I could tell you that you are One of My Favorite Bloggers.

    Absolutely priceless.

    Wait until you realize the store you bought it from won't do a damn thing about it, and you'll have to contact and wait for the manufacturer to send you the missing parts.

  3. This was, without a doubt, the best story I've read all week.

  4. I read "Quickly taking a bottle of water from his rucksack" as "Quickly taking a bottle of water from his nutsack".

    I prefer my version.

  5. That's exactly why I never put anything together.

  6. As someone who has lost years of his life to Ikea, that was fucking brilliant.