Friday, 24 April 2009

Cat shit

Well, summer must be around the corner because I've just had to go to B & Q to buy a fly mo. Spent the last half an hour mowing the back garden and I can't believe just how much shit my two cats produce. Funnily enough, whilst I was pondering this I couldn't help but think of George Clooney. Some of you might have already guessed the link but for the others who haven't here's the story.
George used to share a house with Richard Kind when they were both struggling actors. Richard bought this kitten and every morning George used to get up early to do whatever George does early in the morning. Whilst he was up he used to clean out the litter tray and flush it down the toilet. After a few days Richard says "George, I'm really worried about the cat, he hasn't shit since I've bought it". George, spotting the opportunity for a good wind up, says nothing. Another few days go by where George cleans the litter tray without Richards knowledge. Finally he says, "that's it, I'm taking the kitten to the vets tomorrow to have him seen to". The next morning George gets up and cleans the litter tray and then takes a dump in there himself. Richard gets up, walks in the kitchen and shrieks. George saunters in and there's Richard holding this tiny kitten alongside this huge turd. He turns to George and says "fuck me, he must have been bursting, poor little thing". Classic.
One of my favourite wind ups I witnessed happened when I was eighteen. I'd had a serious leg injury and had been on crutches for a year. I started training on my own and one day bumped into a guy I had been playing Football with in the team where I had the break. We spoke for a while and he said about training with the team he was now playing for. I went training and said I wasn't going to play that season but if they were interested I would sign next season. They were an Amateur League team and pretty good so it was a good move for me. With about four games left they asked me to play and I scored a couple of times.
Most of the team were in their mid to late twenties and all lived in the same village. Several of them were mad as fuck. They had arranged an end of season tour and asked me to go. Not knowing them that well, other than they were barking, I declined saying I was skint. Our goalie, Pricko, was the worst.
We got through to the Semi's of the Amateur League cup and were playing the South Wales Police who were really good. Fifteen minutes before kick off and no sign of Pricko so the manager goes down his house and he's watching TV. The manager asks him what he's up to and Pricko says he can't play because the Police have a warrant out for his arrest. We lost that game. In another we've played about twenty minutes and Prickos got the ball and calls the Ref over. The Ref asks what's wrong and Pricko asks if he can stop the game because he's busting for a shit. The Ref says no and says he'll have to wait until half time. Pricko clears the ball and we go down field and get a corner. There's an almighty roar from the crowd as we're about to take it and everyone turns round to see Pricko having a shit behind the goals. He gets sent off and we lose that game.
Anyhow, last game of the season and we're having a few beers afterwards when Pricko asks where I want to get picked up the Friday after. I look at him bemused and say there's no game and he says no, to go on tour. I again decline saying I'm skint and he says don't worry we've all chipped in. Fuck.
We're on the bus going to Blackpool and just before you get on the M4 in Cardiff there's a huge roundabout. In the lay by there's this blonde hitching a lift. The bus stops and this girl gets on. Mid twenties, big tits, short skirt, strangely attractive. There's the usual "get your tits out" calls, mainly from Pricko and this girl walks up the bus and asks him if he's all mouth. Now Pricko wasn't called Pricko for nothing. He pulls his dick out and this girl gets on her knees and starts blowing him to huge cheers from the rest of the bus. After he shoots his muck this girl walks back down the bus and in the next lay by the driver pulls over and there's a car waiting for her. She turns around by the door and says to Pricko "not bad but not as big as this" and lifts her skirt to show us all the biggest dick I've ever seen. Pricko goes absolutely ape shit as the whole bus starts pissing themselves. The manager had exacted his revenge for Pricko getting sent off and missing the Semi Final. Fortunately the manager was hard as fuck and no one messed with him not even Pricko. Best wind up I've ever seen.
Edit - played golf today and was absolutley crap. Am now off to the last match at Ninian Park, league match that is. Todays bet is Cardiff, Chelsea, Liverpool, Man Utd, Brescia, MK Dons and Stuttgart. Good luck if you're up to anything today.


  1. I don't know what to say dude. Speechless.

    I'd never heard the "huge dump kitten" story before. Brilliant.

  2. pricko - legend. Excellent wind up. lolololol.

  3. won the eff you award...

  4. I just had tears running down my face I was laughing so hard. Great stories, well told.....