Friday, 12 June 2009

The Daily wit

The Daily wit is one of these guys I enjoy reading because his mind works in the same way as mine. Totally off the wall. Recently, he asked his legion of followers to come up with a story including the fifteen words and phrases below. This was quite easy for me because this actually happened on Sunday. Hope you enjoy.

1. Toothpicks
2. Revenge
3. Bears
4. Glue
5. A fifth of Jack Daniels
6. Neptune
7. A tarantula
8. Micro-lending
9. Ugandan coffee
10. Torquemada
11. Blowing bubbles
12. 12 step program(s)
13. Some college sport
14. A vacant lot
15. Radioactive isotopes

It was your average Sunday afternoon. I was sitting on the edge of the Emperor bed in the penthouse at the Dorchester. Megan (Fox) and Jessica (Alba) were cuddled up together, deep in sleep, the way you are after a ten hour sex session with yours truly. The 80 inch plasma was showing some college sport match from America. It could have been the Nashville Neptunes against the Texas Torquemedas but that would be far to fucking easy. The gentle wails of Cheryl (Cole) singing drifted in from the bathroom where she was showering. I reached for the Toothpicks. There was something in my mouth that was really starting to irritate me.
My i phone rang causing Megs and Jess to stir. I looked at the receiver and grimaced. That little dwarf fuckwit, Tom (Cruise) ringing me again. Hadn’t that short arsed twat got the message yet after he fucked me over on the Micro Lending venture when his platform shoe abomination went tits up? Chance for some revenge, I thought.
“Hi Tom” I answered, “how’s your wife and my Daughter”?
There was a brief pause before Tom went apoplectic with rage.
“Now listen to me you fat little…”.
“Yo Tom” I interrupted, “the only reason I’m fat is every time I fuck Katie she gives me a biscuit”.
Luckily Tom knows fuck all about Cricket so the put down had the desired effect. I hung up on the midget fucker and continued probing. Finally the offending article came free. I held it towards the light to inspect. A single light brown wisp of hair. I pulled the black silk sheets back on the bed to reveal the lithe naked bodies of the sleeping girls. Yep, it was definitely one of Jess’s pubes. God, that girl’s pubic region was as hairy as a bears arse. I really was going to have to give her a good waxing one of these days.
Cheryl glided in from the bathroom, naked as the day she was born. A goddess glistening, no glowing, from head to toe from moisturizer and hard sex.
“Fancy a quickie, pet” she enquired?
I entertained the thought for a mili second and declined.
“Sorry babes, I’ve got stuff to do”.
Cheryl looked genuinely miffed and who could blame her but I really did have stuff to do.
“How about a drink” she asked?
Now that did sound like a plan.
“Yeah, I’ll have a Neptune’s bollocks please babes” I replied.
“What the fuck” she retorted, “is one of those”?
If I’d explained it to her once I’d explained it four times.
“Okay, you boil some glue and catch the vapour in a tumbler. You then add in equal measures a fifth of Jack Daniels, Pasion Azteca Tequila, Diaka Vodka, a 1923 Macallan Whiskey and Babycham. Shake before pouring onto a Table spoon and snort”.
“I’ll help you make it” said Megan who was now awake. She slinked her way over to Cheryl and kissed her, cupping her right breast with one hand and gently fondling her bum with the other. Something caught my eye.
“What’s with the tattoo of a Tarantula on your shoulder Megs” I asked?
She looked over said shoulder at me, a frown appearing on her face.
“That’s not a spider that’s Snoop Doggy” she answered in a wounded sort of way.
Jess was also awake now and lent across me to pick up the remote control. She started flicking channels whilst her tongue expertly started flicking up and down the shaft of my dick. She paused on the news but not on my bell end.
“The main story today” some bird in a nice Versace jacket with little else on started, “Sophie has walked out of the Big Brother house. In an unprecedented move, Sophie packed her bags and fled in tears after Kris told her she was the worst shag he had ever had. Also in the news, Gordon Brown has resigned, the Queen has abdicated, Barack Obama was assassinated and a Nuclear warhead fired by the North Korean Army has gone into the stratosphere and exploded into the moon deflecting its orbit and it is expected to crash into the Earth some time next Saturday causing total destruction of everything on the planet. Now, back to the Big Brother house………”.
“Turn this shit off babes” I pleaded with Jess.
“But I’m watching it” she mumbled.
I patted her on the back of head, “be a good girl and don’t talk with your mouth full”.
“Mmmmmmmmmmmmm” she replied and pressed mute on the gadget.
I watched the goings on in the zoo that is Big Brother. What a vacant lot of twats I thought to myself.
Cheryl passed me a spoon with a globule of Neptunes bollock on it. I took a deep breath and snorted. Immediately, tears came to my eyes and my brain fuzzed over. Megan, who was standing in front of me, had already had a snifter herself. She was coughing and wheezing and I noticed she was blowing bubbles of what looked like sperm out of her nose. I found this strangely erotic.
Cheryl rolled a joint of the finest Ugandan coffee and passed it to Megan who sparked it up. £16k a quarter but fuck me it's grade A shit. She passed it to me and I took a long drag.
Cheryl slipped on an exquisite Chanel black cocktail dress and a pair of Manolo Blahnik alligator boots.
"Going commando Cheryl" I enquired?
She gave me a dirty smile whilst hitching up her dress and inserting a couple of love beads. My dick grew an extra inch which took Jess completely by surprise.
"Got to go Rubbish" she said, quite mournfully in my opinion, "filming the X factor today".
"Usual crap"?
"No" she said "We've got this group called the Radioactive Isotopes who are incredible musicians. In fact, their music holds some healing powers and several members of the audience have commented on how their afflictions have been cured just by listening to them. Simon is a bit worried though has he thinks they've only got a shelf life of one World tour and after everyone is healed they'll disappear the same way the rest of pricks do. That might not matter mind if the World is going to end next week"
I nodded in agreement. I think Jess was as well but whatever it was she was doing it felt great.
Megan took over from Jess who immediately started quizzing Cheryl about Simon Cowell.
"What's Simon like? Is he tall? has he got a big dick? What's with those trousers he wears? What car does he drive"?
"Shut up Jess for fucks sake" I interrupted, "you're like Torquemeda on speed".
Cheryl grinned, "same time next week Rubbish" she asked?
"I can't sorry babes I've got an AA meeting to go to. Have to start my 12 step program".
"I thought the World was going to explode next Saturday and we'd all be dead" Jess asked?
I snorted another Neptunes Bollock whilst simultaneously shooting all over Megans face. "That's why I'm starting next Sunday".

Right, off to Liverpool for a weekend of debauchery. Rang the girls but they can't make it. Might play some poker next week and actually write a post about it. All the best.


  1. "a Neptune’s bollocks"? Is this a product of your incredible imagination?

    You, my friend, are brilliant.

    Can I just take this moment (while sneaking a pint over lunch) to say that you are without a doubt my favourite blogger - I meant my tribute the other day - you are a galdang genius.

    The truth - I'm ashamed to say it - is that North Korea will probably hit the moon with a nuke and kill us all.

    I may have to take the time to try one of ol' Neptune's...

  2. Who DOESN'T wonder about Simon Cowell's trousers?

  3. “the only reason I’m fat is every time I fuck Katie she gives me a biscuit”.

    Fantastic. The whole thing.

  4. *shuts mouth* I don't even know where to start.

    Honestly, how could you cram so much awesomeness into one post? I am seriously dumbstruck by your brilliantly creative mind...Neptune's Bollocks..really? How do you come up with this stuff? Tom Cruise being a short arse on. TC is captain of all things douchebaggery.

    LOL I need a moment to process all of this. It's perfect, so glad that you took part in TDW's "assignment".

  5. Wow. Just...WOW! That was AWESOME! I could not look away, I was reading with such intensity. I never thought to turn this assignment into porn. I love it! (Your post, that is. Who am I kidding? And porn.)

  6. I second everyone's adulation. Great story. I especially like that I can read great conversational interplay and think about Jessica...well, nevermind. Well done, my friend.

  7. WOW. Sounds like my weekend, well the "don't talk with your mouth full" part anyway.

  8. Well done old chap...

    The mix of debauchery and with current events and celebs was brilliant. Got any pictures....

  9. Great stuff. Came over here on Samsmama's recommendation and I'm glad I did!

    Oh, and by the way, next time you see Jessica (Alba) tell her I still have her underwear at my place from last year's Halloween "party". She'll know what I mean.

  10. Dear Playboy, I always thought these letters were made up until I read Rubbish's blog...

  11. God, I'm glad I discovered this blog. Hard to top that one but I might give it a try :)

    Will definitely add you to my blogroll.

  12. hahhahahaaha. If I had a dollar for everytime this happened to me...

    Well I probably wouldn't have crap, would I?

  13. I'm a bit too repressed to comment on the parts of the story I read most carefully, and the funniest lines are difficult to rank, but I'll go with the gag (no pun intended, but since it came happened I'll own it) about the college match between the Torqemeda and the Neptunes because I'm a fan of the process.

    And the way I've always made a Neptune's bollocks is quite similar except that before pouring into the teaspoon I knock "shave and a haircut" sans the two bits on the side of the tumbler.

  14. I couldn't finish reading the post. Too steamy. I'm all tingly.

    Hilarious as usual.

    Off to shower!